[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
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A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.