Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
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Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
lol
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans