My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
You Might Also Like
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Home #decor warning.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.