Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
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*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.