My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
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Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator