“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
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Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Thoughts
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.