I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
You Might Also Like
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Home is where your toilet is.