I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
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Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here