“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
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Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.