Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
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So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Close call…
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
live, laugh, laundry.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap