Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
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I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
(yawn)
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”