[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
You Might Also Like
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.