During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
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Meow?
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
i actually laughed 😩
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.