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son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”