#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
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When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜