[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
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wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy