“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
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Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.