shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
You Might Also Like
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Shower sex be like:
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.