I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
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they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
#Caturday
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no