Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
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I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
What about a To-Don’t List?
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses