It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
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Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house