At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
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I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Y’all know who you are.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before