Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
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“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.