#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
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[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.