“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
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I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed