They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
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Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Succinctly put.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
new year update: losing everything but weight