6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
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My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂