Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
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My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)