The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
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A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Said the murderer.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids