It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
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guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.