6: are snakes just neck?
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It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Who.
Did.
This?
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.