My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
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[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you鈥檙e mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it鈥檚 like having beef with spongebob
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Don鈥檛 cook with kids if you don鈥檛 know how to season them.
This is the cutest stalk I鈥檝e ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 馃槀
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can鈥檛 stop laughing
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
them: I鈥檒l call you, we鈥檒l do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
The fact that my balcony isn鈥檛 facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Me: I hope you don鈥檛 mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad