handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
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Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.