I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
You Might Also Like
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
That stupid look on my face, is my face
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Not today, today.
Not today.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.