My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
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I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
#DesignFail