Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
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War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep