I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
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The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Good morning y’all ☀️
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.