*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
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Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while