My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
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Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Go hard or stay average
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I have so many questions.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
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Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.