Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
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Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
saving face 👀
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.