It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
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Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
How to find Kentucky on a map
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind