My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
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“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.