Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
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boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.