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Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
the last thing a carrot sees
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.