[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
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Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I like crazy people until they notice me
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*