What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
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Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.