The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
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Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”