Good dog. ❤️
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flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.