me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
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I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Yup
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this