Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
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Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*